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So, here I am. Living in my answered prayer.It’s been 4 months of being a regular employee and I’ve been working for over a year now (if we also count my internship hours + months of being a temp. employee). I asked for this but sometimes a part of me doubts why I’m still here. Why I still do what I do now? I’ve pictured myself in a different place doing other things. Sometimes all I think about is leaving and try to live my life somewhere else. There are moments when I wonder what if I just do something I really love; would it make me happier and more content? Maybe not. I’m not so sure.

I try to fast track everything that I sometimes feel like I’m running out of time. It feels like I’m pressured to fulfill all my dreams in such short period of time. I’ll have all these silly thoughts and risk-taking scenarios in my head and I’d just end up yelling at myself (in my mind) of how crazy I am for even thinking about it. I’ve been blessed with this wonderful job that would take me to all the places I’ve always dreamed of going; to become the person I’ve always pictured myself in the future; to live the life to a great extent at such “young” age. Indeed, I am crazy. I felt sad for thinking these things in spite of all the blessings I’m receiving.

To quote a line from one of my favorite chick flick, The Devil Wears Prada, “A million girls would kill for that job” and here I am trying to find a way out. (Well, in my case, it’s not much of a million but you get the idea.)

But for every doubt is a realization. I have to stop whining about my situation and start to live life to the fullest. I’d take risks with this given opportunity. I’d travel the world while I still can and be the best person that I could be in this place. No “buts”, no “what ifs”, just plain happy and content. I’d try not to look for what’s not there but to see through what’s in front of me. I’d cherish this blessing that I won’t have regrets in the end. That I won’t have to look back, let out a sigh and think “if only”.

xoxo,

R.

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